


to be the one destroyed

by shesthesmoke



Series: To Be [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Jace Angst, angst with a semi-unresolved ending, canon compliant for the first half of 2x16, canon compliant until 2x16, i feel like theres not enough jace angst in this fandom, please please PLEASE read notes for detailed trigger warnings, that's why this might end up being a series, this got dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 21:58:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11564151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shesthesmoke/pseuds/shesthesmoke
Summary: They land in Lake Lyn when Clary portals them to Idris to look for Valentine. Clary doesn't drink the lake water. Jace does.





	to be the one destroyed

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR: Implied/Referenced child abuse (physical and emotional), Animal death, some blood/gore, hallucinations
> 
> all of these things are mainly discussed/described during the italicized sections, so skip those to avoid them.

Clary held a branch out of the way for Jace to pass through. Her shoulder ached from where she had hit the ice. “Jace, can I borrow your stele? I think I dropped mine in the lake.”

 

Jace scoffed, “Don't look at me. Someone pushed me into a portal before I could grab mine.”

 

Clary rolled her shoulder, finding that some of the soreness was beginning to go away. “Actually, I don't think I need it. We can go back for it later.” Jace nodded silently. Then, he stumbled and fell. “Woah, are you alright?”

 

“‘M fine,” Jace grunted, “Let’s keep going.” He got up, wincing and using a tree for support.

 

“Stay here, I can go back for my stele,” Clary offered. Jace nodded through a pained expression.

 

~

 

_A boy washes his hands frantically. The blood doesn't come off. He sits down at the dinner table with his hands bright red. They go well with the black marks covering his skin. His father looks on, the approval on his face just barely contained._

 

~

 

Alec stumbled and leaned onto the wall for support. His head was swimming, and his parabatai rune burned.

 

“Alec! Are you all right?”

 

“I think there's something really wrong with Jace.”

 

~

 

_A boy carefully studies a page of an ancient book. If he works hard enough, maybe what’s on the other side of the door will stay there._

 

_The door bangs open, and the boy shrinks._

 

~

 

A wolf howled, making Izzy jump. A branch on the ground cracked behind her, and she swung around with her seraph blade in her hand. “Hey!” A voice yelped. Izzy looked down to see a familiar face.

 

“Clary! What are you doing on the ground?”

 

“You swung a seraph blade at my head. Can you help me up?” She stuck a hand up and Izzy grabbed it and pulled. “Thanks.”

 

“Clary, where's Jace?” Izzy asked, worried.

 

~

 

_The boy stands in front of the fireplace. His father kneels down, facing him._ It’s a special day, _his father tells him,_ where you will receive a symbol of the angelic blood that runs through your veins. Give me your hand, and be strong. _The boy obeys, and his father begins drawing on his hand with a stele. Where the stele touches, he can feel his skin slowly burning away. He stays silent._

 

~

 

“He was back that way. He fell, so I was going back to see if I could find my stele by the lake. I think he twisted his ankle,” Clary replied, not seeming terribly concerned.

 

“The lake!” Izzy interjected. “Clary, you didn't drink the water, did you?” Clary shook her head no. “Did Jace?” Clary had to think.

 

“He might have, why?” Izzy pushed past her in the direction that she had pointed.

 

“The lake water is poisonous. It causes hallucinations. He needs an iratze right now,” Izzy yelled. Clary ran down the path after her.

 

~

 

_The boy wakes up surrounded by falcons, their necks snapped._ To love is to destroy, _they chant. It repeats and repeats and repeats and he tries to protest but he's so tired. The boy goes back to sleep._

 

~

 

“Jace! Where are you?”

 

“Izzy, here!” Clary waved her over.

 

Jace sat by himself on a large rock, his knees pulled into his chest and his eyes closed, his back to a twenty five foot drop. Then, with no apparent provocation, he hastily stood up. “No!” He roared. His eyes were wild.

 

Izzy approached him slowly. “Jace?”

 

Clary’s breath caught in her throat as Jace threw a punch.

 

~

 

_The boy wakes up surrounded by people he loves. They form a barrier between him and the darkness. He tries to shove through, to do something, to help, but they won't let him. They get picked off one by one, and still the remaining ones won't let him through. Soon, the boy is the last one left._ To be the one loved is to be the one destroyed, _his glowing marks whisper._

 

~

 

Jace stood at at least six or seven inches taller than Izzy, but his movements were almost mechanical and his balance was way off. She got the upper hand easily. He got tired quickly, and stopped and looked at her with a mixture of terror and exhaustion, as if he expected to be struck down.

 

~

 

_The boy sits on a hospital bed. The door opens, but he doesn't care who has come to see him. They sit next to him on the bed. A vampire woman, a newly turned shadowhunter, and a werewolf girl with silver hair._ You couldn't save us. We trusted you. You didn't do your job. _The boy blinks hard. They disappear, but their voices remain._ He's next. He's next. He's next.

 

_The boy looks everywhere but the bed next to him. Another boy, jet black hair, hazel eyes shut, skin clammy, barely holding on._

 

I did this.

 

_The other boy stops breathing._

 

~

 

The iratze takes a few minutes to kick in. After that, Jace goes completely silent. On the other side of the portal, they get mobbed. Robert has questions. Alec has questions. Almost every member of the New York Institute has questions. Jace takes one look at Alec and crumbles. Alec pulls him aside.

 

They lean on opposite walls in the hallway, facing each other. “The lake water, what did it make you see?” Asks Alec.

 

Jace takes a deep breath. “Nothing I can’t handle. I’m fine, Alec.”

 

“No, you’re not,” sighs Alec, “No one expects you to be fine, Jace. I just want to help.”

 

“Fine. Can you just…” Jace’s voice cracks, “just keep everyone off my ass until tomorrow?” Alec nods solemnly, and Jace disappears.


End file.
